I Don't Love You, But I Always Will
by zoellaa
Summary: He didn't know when things had changed. When he started thinking about her differently. All he knows is he can't just sit back and watch her be with Finn anymore. He can't watch her marry his best friend. Set in season 3. Rated M for language.


**Please read first!**

**Okay so in the spring premier, it picks up about 2 months later, after On My Way and the whole car accident thing. We didn't get to see what happened during those 2 months so this is where my story begins. This will be a multi-chapter fic. **

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**I Don't Love You, But I Always Will**

Chapter 1

It was only for a second.

Just one.

Before shit hit the fucking fan.

Before everyone became frantic, shouting, panicking (some crying) and running for the exit.

Before the fear of freaking God hit him square in the face that, he could lose one of the most important people in his life.

It was just _one second_, and what he felt during that second will make him feel guilt for the rest of his life.

**Relief**.

How fucked up is that? Seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with him? One of his best friends, his first love, the mother of his child is in the hospital, possibly fighting for her life and he feels _relief_?

But that one brief moment of what he swears to god was insanity, that one fleeting flicker of relief was not for the girl in the car accident.

It was for the girl in the white dress.

It wasn't intentional, he thinks, or even a conscious thought. It was more like a reflex, because in that moment, upon hearing the words "Quinn", "hospital" and "car accident" his brain only deduced one thing from this hellish scenario:

_This wedding was not happening today._

Until then, he hadn't even had one single fucking clue that he was against this wedding in the first place. To say it caught him by surprise would be the understatement of the goddamn century. More like the realisation knocked the air out of him like he had just taken a punch to the stomach. Or several.

While he sat there in the hospital waiting room with the rest of the glee club and several random family members (Fabray's Berry's, Hudson-Hummel's) anxiously waiting to hear from the doctors, he couldn't help but go over it in his head, again and again and _again_.

It was like some sick, twisted soundtrack of insanity that wouldn't leave his head.

Isn't this what happens when people go crazy and start committing murders? Like when you see people on TV that are on trial for killing all these people during a psychotic episode. He's pretty sure it starts with a traumatic event that causes the cells in their brain to declare war on each other and start a fucking emotional apocalypse and always ends in someone being violently stabbed or dismembered.

If that's the way it happens then there's about to be a freaking massacre up in this waiting room and his number one target right now would be Mr. Tall, Dark and Brainless sitting directly opposite him.

Puck knew he should be thinking about Quinn, that his problems were somewhat insignificant compared to what had happened to her, and he _was _thinking about her_. _He had already muttered about a hundred prayers to Jew-God under his breath that she would walk away from this, that she'd be ok.

Still, losing your mind with worry doesn't seem to stop this agonising brand of inner turmoil.

He knew he looked like a damn crazy person, shaking his leg, repeatedly scrubbing his hands over his face while grinding his teeth but given the situation, no one seemed to think his behaviour was anything but normal. Either that or they were too distracted to pay any attention to him.

Whatever the case, he was grateful. He didn't need anyone to start quizzing him about his feelings right now. Partly because he didn't have one goddamn clue _what_ he was feeling or would even say, but mostly 'cause this shit was so fucked up beyond belief that he would probably get his ass kicked right here in the damn hospital.

He just couldn't wrap his head around it… when things had changed.

He obviously wasn't consciously aware of it or he wouldn't have agreed to be a part of the unholy union in the first place. It just kinda snuck up on him out of nowhere and hit him like a Louisville Slugger to the head. And at the worst possible fucking time.

At first he assumed the engagement was just 'cause Finn knocked Berry up. Then he found out they were actually getting married 'cause they were in love and stuff and Puck was completely on board with the whole thing.

At least that's the impression he was under. I mean yeah, they could do with waiting at least 5 years and you know, getting a house and maybe a job, but they obviously wanna be together forever and shit, so why the hell not, right?

Finn is his boy, they had been inseparable since pre school (if you skip over the whole getting his girlfriend pregnant thing) and had each other's backs through anything. It was always the two of them, Puck and Finn, the dynamic duo (or gruesome twosome, as his ma referred to them). And after Finn, Berry is probably his closest friend.

Or was.

He didn't know anymore. They had kinda drifted recently, ever since the Finchel reunion last summer. Sure, she's had a lot going on with Finn and college apps and shit, and he's been… well he had his own shit.

Beth, Shelby, reeling Fabray's crazy ass back to the world of the sane.

It sucked but its not like he was gonna get weepy over it or shit. He was the biggest badass this pathetic town had even seen; he was used to flying solo. People were either scared of him or scared of getting involved in all the shit he pulled –not that he could blame them. So yeah, he didn't need Berry's midget ass fucking lecturing him about his 'reckless behaviour' or yelling at him to get his act together, even if he happened to kinda love her particular brand of crazy (shits hilarious).

The difference between Berry crazy and regular crazy is that she's just passionate, she'll do whatever it freaking takes to get what she wants and she happens to be very vocal about it. _Fucking hot._

Regular crazy –or as he liked to call it, Quinn crazy– is what gets you committed.

Shits not fun.

Its fucking scary and Q was one break-in to Shelby's apartment away from legit losing her marbles. If she ever even had them in the first place.

Puck had a theory that some evil fucker stole her marbles at birth, 'cause there's no way a person can develop that kind of batty personality. Teen pregnancy or not, that shit takes a fucking lifetime of build-up. He blames her dick of a dad. And her boozy ass mom. For what, he doesn't know but he's sure she did _something_. She's got the crazy eyes, just like Quinn.

Then there was Santana crazy, which was plain and simple down to the fact that her body was being inhabited by one of the devils servants. They don't call her Satan for no reason.

Still, Berry had her moments too. Yeah chick was bat shit to the point of laughing your fucking ass of at one of her ridiculous rants but she could have you running for the hills when her eyes go all narrow and crazy. You can legit see in her eyes that she's mentally running through all the ways she can castrate you without anyone hearing your bloodcurdling screams.

Still, slightly demonic tendencies aside, truth was, they were there for each other when it counted. Or at least they used to be. He hadn't really heard from her throughout the whole Shelby and Beth return to Lima drama. But then again the woman abandoned her; he guesses she's been trying to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. God knows if his dick-wad of a dad came back into town, he wouldn't be talking to people about it so much as punching things and drinking himself into oblivion. Not that Rachel Berry would do that. He hopes. Chick can barely handle a wine cooler without getting shit faced and macking on gay dudes.

Rachel was the reason he had gotten his act together last year and made an effort (as much as it killed him) to show up for classes and do the work. He kind of hated her for it (hey, shits damaging for his rep) but his grades were up and for the first time in his life he thought he might actually have a shot at getting out of Lima thanks to her, so he only complained a _little_.

But that was last year, and this year, without Berry's help he's been slowly falling back into his ways. Except now, it was ten times worse because the teachers had seen what he was capable of so they were harder on him for skipping class and missing homework assignments. Before they'd never given a flying fuck. Damn midget.

Anyways… him and Berry. Fucking weird combo. On paper, the possibility of them finding a way to be friends looks pretty damn slim. 'Not in a million years' he remembers once saying.

They bitch and bicker like brother and sister at times (as horrifying a thought as _that_ is) and although they spend half their lives arguing, they have this weird fucking _draw_ to each other. And it totally doesn't help that they can't be in the same room together, alone, without making out a little. Maybe _that's_ why she's been AWOL. Scared of cheating on Finn with his hot ass. Who could blame her?

Though the fact that there's an attraction at all is goddamn _odd_ in itself. It's what you would call a clash of personalities. They really couldn't be more opposite if they tried.

He's this crude and (admittedly) arrogant jock who –although totally awesome and badass- falls into the category of lazy and unmotivated. For all things school and future related that is. But Rachel Berry, she's totally motivated. Motivated to point of collapsing with exhaustion, yet she keeps on going, ploughing her way towards her goal. She lives with purpose. Unlike him, she's sensible and polite (unless she's critiquing a performance) and a little too sensitive if you ask him. Oh, did he mention totally bat shit crazy? You know, in a good way –sometimes.

Still, somehow they fit.

Somehow… they bring out the best in each other. God knows how that works but there's just something about them, when they're together. A feeling. As gay as that sounds, but fuck, its hard to explain alright?

She's the one person on the planet that makes him (and sometimes forces him to) actually give a damn. To actually feel like trying. Its like all his life, everyone's always been tearing him down, telling him he's not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not man enough.

Not _enough_.

But over the years, all her fucking belief in him started so sink in, started to make him feel like maybe he was capable. Maybe he was worth something. And that feeling's fucking addictive once you've had it. That was part of the reason he didn't mind her bothering him and being around so much all that time. And you know, maybe he misses her-

_That_.

He misses that. He could care less about _her_. She obviously didn't care so why the fuck should he?

The main reason that spending all that time with her didn't suck is that she was always a different person when she was with him. Or at least when it was just the two of them. He had this freaky talent for getting her to mellow out. Puck doesn't know how he does it, or even _what _he does but she's always more relaxed when they're together. He guesses what it really comes down to is that he brings out the teenage girl in her (rather than that all-business-all-the-time attitude she has at school) and no he's not talking hormonally. Although he's brought out _that_ side of her many times too.

He taught her how to have fun, let loose and not take herself too seriously. This is something she definitely needs, what with all the stress and insane expectations she puts on herself. He could think of better ways to relieve all that tension but for the sake of their friendship (and his friendship with Finn) he decided it best to avoid thoughts like that. And to you know, avoid getting his ass kicked by the giant doofus again.

Its kinda strange to think that the best parts of them, the parts that they both like about themselves the most, are there because of _each other_.

OK… so maybe that should have been his first clue.

They failed as a couple back in sophomore year. Sure, that disaster of a relationship had only lasted five days because they were both hung up on other people at the time, but a fail is a fail. Of course there's still this weird (awesome) sexual tension that lingers between them, and the flirty banter isn't all that uncommon. C'mon, they're two good-looking Jews. Shits natural. Everyone can sort of sense it too. Its like they can smell it on them or something. Fucking nosy bastards they are. He's sure Finn can sense it too. The dude gets about ten levels of paranoid every time he sees him and Berry having a conversation. Not that he could blame the guy. Puck doesn't have the best track record with Finn's girlfriends.

Still, as much as he wanted Berry's hot body, he wanted her friendship too, and since that's the only thing she's offering, they left their past in the past.

Now you wont catch him admitting this to anyone, and if you ask him he'll deny it; Puck's friendship with Berry is sorta important to him. He's never really had a close friend who's a girl and its kinda cool.

He's always gonna be close with Quinn. The girl had his baby. That shits got them like, bonded for life or something. But that's really the only way they're close. He loved her at one point -or he thought he did. He's never been in love before so how the hell do you know? Chick's a total ice queen and its kinda hard to like her at times. Still, they went through all that drama so he cares about her or whatever. Beth is perfect, and Quinn's half-responsible for that. Although he hopes Beth doesn't inherit all her crazy.

Close or not, he can't like, talk about stuff with Quinn. He can't tell her all of his secrets. Can't trust the girl as far as you can throw her as far as he's concerned. He can't tell her the really embarrassing stuff he thinks people will judge him for or the personal stuff about his family. All they _can_ really talk about is Beth.

When they're dealing with intense stuff and need emotional support of whatever, he and Rachel always go to each other. When they're sad and need a shoulder to cry on (Berry that is because guys as studly as him don't go and cry on chicks shoulders) they always go to each other.

So yeah, his relationship with Berry isn't like any other relationship in his life. Aside from his relationship with Beth, his and Berry's is probably the one that's most important to him. His ma and sister don't count 'cause you know, he's obligated to love 'em. So even though they're not a couple or whatever, he'll always have a soft spot for her. She wormed her way in and now for the life of him, he can't make himself want her gone.

All of this is just evidence of the fact that they get on great as friends. They always have, ever since he apologised for the whole slushy thing.

But this?

This… _feeling_. Its fucking taking over him right now and he doesn't have the first damn clue what it means. None of this makes any fucking sense. After all, they're just _friends_. Nothing more, nothing less.

Still, if they're such good friends then why the ever-loving fuck was his initial reaction, once he realised the wedding was dunzo for the day, to run through all the ways in his head he could talk her out of it for good. The even weirder part? (If that's even possible at this point) his fucking brain was doing it all by its damn self. He definitely didn't give it permission to start plotting away on ways to ruin Rachel's life –and possibly his own. It was like war inside his brain or something. One half was going crazy with all these fucked up thoughts and scenario's swimming around, while the other half (the sane half) was yelling '_what the hell are you doing fool?_'

At least he could take comfort in the fact that he still _had_ a sane half that realised this was downright _in_sane.

So where does he go from here?

He can see her across the room now, curled up against Kurt, still in her wedding dress. Her pretty face is all stained with tears and he's literally dying to just go over there and wipe them away, make her feel better and tell her its all gonna be ok.

But he can't. For a lot of reasons.

There's the fact that she wasn't his girl and it wasn't his job to comfort her right now. It was Finn's.

What doesn't make sense is why the douche isn't over there with her, pulling her into his arms and doing whatever the hell it takes to make her stop hurting. Instead he's sitting opposite Puck with a blank expression on his face, like his soul fucking left his body or something. Seriously, the guy's totally unresponsive right now. The lights are out, there's no one home. If this idiot changes his mind and says he's in love with Quinn again, Puck may actually kill the guy. Swear to god, he has the attention span of a toddler.

Another problem with the idea of Puck going to comfort Berry is the fact (inconvenient as fuck most of the time) that he's never been able to lie to her. In this situation, with Quinn's life hanging in the balance and shit, he can't just promise her she's gonna be fine. Because as much as he wants to believe it, he really has no fucking clue what's gonna happen to Quinn. Its not even that Berry will be able to sniff out his lie and figure out what he's telling her isn't the truth, but that he respects her too much to tell her anything but.

But the most important reason is that for the first time in his life he really doesn't feel like things are ever going to be ok again.

Not with Quinn, even if she makes it out of this alive. Not with their group of friends, not with his relationships with both Rachel and Finn… and mostly, not with himself.

There's just this feeling he has (him and his fucking feelings today, first chance he gets, he needs to check if his boys are still there) that nothings gonna be the same again.

He can't explain it, or even understand it. Its just somewhere in the back of his mind, or deep in the pit of his stomach, the feeling that _this here_, right now, its like the beginning of the end. Or would that be the end of the beginning?

That sounds like some lame ass graduation speech, but he just cant shake it.

It's the beginning of their last few months together, so ultimately, it's the beginning of the end.

The end of senior year and high school, and the end of all of their friendships. Truth is, he talks a good game about not needing anybody and not giving a single fuck in the world about school and glee club, but the fact that its all gonna be over soon is something he just isn't ready for.

Sure, at first he hated every damn person in that club, but now they're like his crazy, messed up, dysfunctional family and as much as he wants to get the hell out of Lima, at the same time he doesn't wanna leave them behind.

Sitting here in the hospital, waiting for news on if Quinn will live or die, its like something just clicked. His fucked up way of rationalising it is that it took a traumatic event for it to sink in that this is all coming to an end. Like they'd just reached a _point_ and now all he can hear is the _tick, tick, ticking_ of the clock as they begin their last few months together.

Their last few months as a family.

And he's not trying to be a pussy about this okay? It's just downright insane how many times he's wished for this end. So desperate for it to come sooner, waiting for the time when he'd finally be free. Free of high school and this town and all the losers in it.

Its just now, now that its actually approaching, he doesn't want it anymore.

He swears he's losing his goddamn mind if he thinks for even a second that he wants high school to last longer that it already has to, but its like a part of him hadn't fully grasped what graduating actually meant.

He has no idea what he's been expecting but he supposes he'd just assumed that they'd leave school but nothing would really be different.

And yeah, now that he thinks about it he knows its fucking stupid. He's known all along that Hummel and Berry, and maybe Chang too, were headed to New York. He knows Quinn was all set to leave for Yale and that Mercedes was off to LA to get a recording contract and shit. And it wasn't like he had planned on sticking around either. He's planning on hightailing it out of here straight to California, New York or maybe even Florida first chance he gets. Anywhere but here really, somewhere he could start his life. But he never really spent too much time thinking about what that actually meant. Being alone.

Moving on.

They were all moving on. Moving on from high school, from Ohio, from him.

He'd waited his whole damn life for this, to get out of here, out of Lima and prove to everyone that he _could_. That he wasn't just a Lima Loser and that he was gonna make something of himself. Kinda for his ma and sister so they could be proud of him, a lot for Beth so she wouldn't have a dad she was ashamed of like he was of his, but mostly for himself. He's pulled a lot of crap in his life, made a lot of stupid mistakes, he just wanted to be proud of himself.

Its just now that the time was coming, the time to leave and start over, now he felt like it had come too soon.

This is when it all starts making sense to him.

His stupid, twisted thought process finally unravelling and smacking him upside the head with what's really going on here.

He'd been happy for Finn and Rachel.

Happy for them getting back together at the end of last year, he'd even helped Hudson to the point of encouraging him to go for it, helping him plan that New York date and writing that stupid song for him to sing to Rachel. In hindsight _that_ probably wasn't the best idea but she was gullible enough to believe that song had come from Finn. But c'mon! As if Hudson was capable of writing a song like that overnight. It had taken Puck at least two weeks and it wasn't even one of his better ones.

He was even happy for them being in such a good place in their relationship this year, no drama and no secrets revealed that caused one to cheat on the other. They'd had a good few months. But the more Puck thinks about it the more obvious it becomes, that in his mind _they were never supposed to last._

Maybe they'd last the year and possibly (but hopefully not) a little longer than that, after high school or even college, but they were never supposed to get married and spend the rest of their damn lives together!

'Cause as sucky a best friend to Finn it makes him, deep down he always thought they'd get another shot, him and Rachel. God knows how or even when, but a part of him always thought there'd be a time in the future when they would try it again and be together.

It was one of those things he always assumed would happen, no matter the state of their lives in the present. No matter if she was losing her virginity to that human equivalent of the Eiffel tower or if Puck was sleeping with her kind of Mom (shit he hopes she never finds out about that), that it was in Gods plan or something and that it wasn't the end of their story. The Big Guy had tried to get him into Berry's pants before so Puck just assumed he was on his side in this shit.

But now… with high school ending and the god forsaken Finchel wedding… now he's realising that this is it. The beginning of the rest of their lives and the end of their first chapter, or some cliché like that.

He's always had a lot of uncertainty in his future, a shitload of unwritten stuff that scares him. For most of his life it didn't even seen possible that he would even graduate. Still, a tiny part of him had always held onto the fact that Rachel would be a part of his future.

He didn't know when, or in what form. Friends? Lovers? Soul mates? Okay he's pretty sure that last one isn't a real thing, not to mention totally not badass but whenever he thought about his future, pictured it in his mind, Rachel was always there, each and every time without fail.

And now today, on her wedding day (or attempted wedding day) it's finally sinking in that _that_ part of his future isn't as solid as he'd always imagined it to be. Now it is just another uncertainty.

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******I've never written Puckleberry before, mainly because I've always been a bit scared of trying to write Puck. But I took a stab at it so please let me know how I did and if I portrayed him well enough!**

**This was more of a descriptive chapter to set the scene, but there will be dialogue next chapter so please let me know what you think.**

**xo Zoella**


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